Why dont they just leave?
How Common is Domestic Abuse?
There are many reasons why victims of domestic abuse don’t leave. One being that domestic abuse often escalates significantly once a victim leaves or attempts to leave. Separation or threats to leave can lead to increased risk of harm. Women who leave an abusive relationship are at risk of murder.
41% (37 of 91) of women killed by a male partner/former partner in England, Wales and Northern Ireland in 2018 had separated or taken steps to separate from them. Eleven of these 37 women were killed within the first month of separation and 24 were killed within the first year (Femicide Census, 2020).
Domestic abusers will often aim to isolate their victim from friends, family and sources of support. They may physically move them to another county or country to prevent them from spending time with loved ones. Domestic abusers might isolate their victims from friends or family by creating conflict as an attempt to destroy these relationships or they may do all they can to make their victim believe lies about their support networks to weaken these relationships. When victims find themselves in this situation and they want to leave their abuser often they have no one to turn to as they have been isolated by those who would support them.
Many domestic abusers control all the finances and or prevent their victim from making their own money. This can make leaving extremely difficult as they don’t have the means to go anywhere. Maybe they don’t have any money to catch a bus to make the initial step to flee or maybe they can’t afford a new property. Often domestic abusers will accrue debt in their victims name making it extremely difficult for them to get new accommodation and all that is needed financially to set up a new home.
Domestic abusers are usually very good at making their victims believe that they are sorry and they will change. Many victims love their abuser and want to make their relationship work. They may want to stay together as a family unit so they will forgive them time and time again. They also may feel shame and not want people to know what happens behind closed doors.
It is common for domestic abusers to make threats to coerce their victims to stay in the relationship. For example they may threaten them by saying they will kill them or physically harm them if they were to leave. They may tell their victim that they would hurt the children, a loved one or a pet if they were to leave. They may use blackmail to ensure their victim never leaves by threatening to share intimate videos or photos whether these were sent/ taken with consent or not. Those who follow a religion or faith may find this a very compelling reason to stay with their abuser as they may fear being rejected from these communities.
Victims may fear social services or the family courts if they flee their abusive relationship. Often an abuser will use the courts and social care services against their victim if they flee. They may lie or fabricate situations to earn favour with these professional people. It is common for victims to suffer ill mental health as a result of the abuse they have endured and the abuser may use this against them. Some victims turn to substances such as drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism for the abuse they receive, some victims may be fearful that this will have a negative impact on them if they flee.
